Family

Grieving a loss

There are several posts that I have sitting here in my draft folder about Mr C, about his first birthday, about looking back over that first year, and, what it’s like having baby with a tracheostomy; but I think this is a post that needs to be put out there.  In all of my preemie blogs that I follow, I have only come across this topic once!
It may not be important to anyone else but me, and many others that have been involved with a preemie, but I believe it is important nonetheless.
When you have a premature birth there are so many things you are dealing with, so many questions running through your head, new milestones that you are following before the regular baby milestones. And there are so many people there to support you through that entire process. But there is one thing that I have been struggling with at 14.5 months after going into labour that I had no idea I would be dealing with.
I find myself grieving a loss.
That’s right, a loss. I lost my 3rd trimester, I lost that full round belly, I lost feeling those uncomfortable kicks in the ribs and just being all around uncomfortable, I lost counting down the days to my due date and I lost the chance to go through labour and contractions.I was not prepared to deal with this once we were out of NICU and home with our little man. I was just so relieved that by the time we were home he was doing all the things a normal baby does (aside from breathing on his own). But here I am, and I’m hoping that writing this out, sharing this other side of premature birth will help me to work through this, but also help other preemie moms that are feeling this way know that they are not alone.
When we were in NICU and I was feeling jealous about all those moms whose due dates were before mine and still pregnant and upset when those moms did have their babies and were able to take them home and cuddle them and have sleepless nights because they had babies crying throughout the night.
Now don’t get me wrong I love these families and I love watching my young church grow with so many families growing, many with their first child now, but I cannot help but feel that twinge of loss when the answer to the question “how far along are you?” and they can answer, 25 weeks, 26 weeks, 27 weeks… All I can think of is at 25 weeks I was sitting in a hospital bed, listening to a neonatologist go down the laundry list of what would be wrong and what could happen if our little gift decided to come then. And by the end of 26 weeks we seemed to be going strong and everyone was crossing everything hoping to make it just a couple more weeks, and then, one day before 27 weeks I woke up and had one of the most traumatizing nights of my life.
But we have made it through the NICU process and have a wonderfully energetic little man and for that I am so thankful and just hope that if/when the time comes to have another little one I will be lucky enough to experience the pregnancy a little longer.
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