Hey guys! It’s been awhile.
I could say it was just that things got busy, because they did.
Or, I could say I didn’t know what to share, but that’s not what happened.
What happened was that I got busy trying to ‘fight fires’ (as I’ve been calling it) and was on a family vacation and be in a better mental health state all at once.
Did you laugh out loud reading that? Think ‘oh, honey’…. Because as I wrote this out, I sure did.
Looking back that was the biggest lie I told myself in this short journey to getting better. And I paid for it. Oh did I ever.
The family got back from seeing Nan and Pop, and attending a friend’s wedding out of province and we were all tired … because let’s face it a vacation with a child is anything but a vacation. And a vacation with a medical needs child is that much more. Anyway, I digress.
We got home, we started back on our routines of drop offs, and school, and work, and appointments… And I was totally and completely exhausted! Like I mean I vacuumed the stairs one day and was done for the rest of the week. The next week I was able to do a bit more, but I was SO frustrated that I wasn’t able to do more. That there were waaaaay more days then there had been in awhile of just sitting on the couch, trying to find my motivation buried SOMEWHERE in me, but it wasn’t there.
I mentioned this to my psychologist at my last appointment and she said something that made me want to vomit. She said there are days that I have to allow myself to have sick days from trying to get better. I hate taking sick days in any way, but a sick day from trying to be better… nope. I looked at her like she was crazy. I ignored that piece of advice until just before I started typing this out. I think I really understand what she meant.
I am not meant just to ‘be better’; I actually have to let myself get better. This means allowing myself to ‘just’ vacuum the stairs, or have a Netflix day, or to let myself have the accomplishment of reading 5 pages of a book instead of several chapters. Because at the start of this journey I was sleeping all day after everyone left, and I wouldn’t even think of picking up a book or cleaning anything around the house. But because I am slowly chipping away at the guilt of the ‘I should’s’ and celebrating the ‘I dids’, I now know that this is where my getting better takes a wild turn for the better.
What do you think? Why is it easier to focus on what was missed, rather than what has been accomplished?